Guest Article by Michael P. Entis
The following message has been sent this day to our esteemed President.
October 11, 2008
Dear Mr. President:
American Samoa is experiencing a crisis of the first order. Desperately, we need your help.
Our forensic scientists inform us that the problem began three years ago. A transport ship arrived from Rumania carrying lumber for our electric generating facility. Unfortunately, the lumber was contaminated with Rumanian Bugle Bugs. These Bugle Bugs thrived on our domestic wood species. American Samoa is now having to drastically ration the production of electricity. Our famously good willed female population has even endeavored to help resolve the situation by contributing all available bras and associated undergarments to the cause. However, this has only exacerbated the situation. The productivity of our male workforce has now collapsed together with female support.
For lack of electronic entertainment, Samoans have taken to domesticating Rumanian Bugle Bugs. We've discovered that Bugle Bugs can retain and replay melodies. A domestic market has evolved. Until now, the Bugle Bug market has remained entirely unregulated. This has allowed speculators to play Bugle Bugs in a totally unrestrained fashion. Our society is now being subjected to Bugle Bug melodies at all hours of the day and night. People have taken to buying Bugle Bugs and stifling them in order to sleep at night. Without regulation and predictability, the Bugle Bug market has now fallen into total disarray. To illustrate, for lack of alarm clocks, enterprising Samoan hedge funds are even now exploiting complex Bugle Bug derivatives, one of which claims that it will swap sleep for a Boogie Woogie Bugle Bug at dawn for an annual fee. Clearly, our Bugle Bug market needs high powered government intervention before this is allowed to corrupt global markets.
Mr. President, we require your inspired personal intervention. Please bring Secretary Paulson, Chairman Bernanke and the G7 with you. With luck, you should be able to return to the United States in time for Inauguration Day 2009.
Most respectfully yours,
Canadian E. coli Outbreak Traced to Robin Hood Flour
16 hours ago